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The Curious Life and Times of Hieronymous Yaaargh

As local constables seek the whereabouts of notorious smuggler and cheese critic/fancier Hieronymous Yaaargh The Lamberhurst Lay exclusively reveals something of his curious and disconcerting background.

A close friend told The Lay, "Man of mystery, no doubt about it. That he is not to be found is not surprising. From an early age he has made it a habit not to be there.

"His not being there was made easier by the fact that Hieronymous has a twin, Thelonious Yaaargh who was definitely not all there in a slightly diferent sense.

Thelonious was an ace at playing the Clavicytherium but was notorious for just making it up rendering it impossible for accompanying musicians to accompany him. A fact that bothered Thelonious not a whit.

In mid-concert Thelonious used to step away from his instrument and 'dance' in time to the music.

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A Thelonious-less Clavicytherium

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Hieronymous Yaargh

T. Yaargh

Thelonious Yaargh, his mirror image.

Little Known Fact

Shakespearean actor Will Kemp danced from London to Norwich, a distance of 110 miles.

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It is believed he was trying to escape from the drummer. A desire shared by many a performer both then and now.

A side effect of his eventual success was the invention of the drum solo.

Hieronymous Yaargh not there - Again

Given that his brother bore an uncanny resemblance to him Hieronymious came up with the idea that he had four options for his 'not being there' strategy. Each involving him not being there, but in artistically more interesting ways.

  • 1. His brother would be there instead.
  • 2. His brother would be there instead - and take the blame.
  • 3. Neither of them would be there.
  • 4. The drummer would be there and fitted up to take the blame for everything.

Option 4 was, of course, his default option but this led to a rapid rarity of drummers through incarceration, execution etc, etc.

An interesting side effect was a marked increase in attendance at musical events. A considerable benefit to the community. But - how was Hieronymous going to continue not being there following the dearth of drummers?

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